"Why don't you try Match.com?"

This was how the conversation with my dad started the other day. 

So, how do I explain online dating and its perils and pitfalls to my father? My dad is happily married to my mom, has been for 30+ years (as far as I can tell, anyway), meaning he's been out of the dating world for three decades. And honestly, I'm not sure how much "dating" he ever did...

Anyway, online dating. In theory I think it's a brilliant idea, you can accept or reject options on your own time, from your living room, in your pajamas, without hurting anyone. Ah, but that's just what they want you to think. What online dating ulitmately boils down to is one blind date after another!

See, most online dating sites have similar setups, and yes I've tried more than one. They start with a profile and a picture. You can then either search or be matched with appropriate  members of whichever sex you're interested (and some sites do allow for same-sex pairings). At this point the "free" membership usually ends and in order to move foward with actually communicating you need to become a paying member. From here you exchange likes/dislikes - not moving to the next step until each person has "viewed" the other one - then onto answering pre-chosen questions - again no moving ahead until both have "read" the answers. Finally, you may reach the point where you can email each other (this is still done through the dating site to preserve privacy, etc.). 

Not too bad so far - hopefully you've learned a bit about each other, seen a few photos, you're ready to chat. Ah, but how long do you email? Do you exchange phone numbers? Agree to meet in person (yikes!)? Finally one of you gets up the guts to suggest a meeting...and at this point, you've invested some time and energy into this you might as well go. And now we have a glorified "blind date". Yes, I know, technically you know something about each other and it's not blind if you've exchanged photos, etc. but really, when it comes down to the chemistry (or lack thereof) that you feel when in another's presence, for all intents and purposes the meeting is a blind date.

And this is where I have problems...I can usually tell within the first 15-30 min whether this is someone I'm going to want to see again. And yet, I've invested time and energy into the "matching" process...and we look good on paper...so I feel like my gut might just be wrong and I might as well go out a 2nd time. However, by this date I'm bored, I'm feeling guilty for saying yes when I knew I wasn't interested and now he thinks I might be. So all the advantages of online dating - the anonimity, the impersonal rejections, etc. - go out the window. 

So yes, I have tried Match.com and others. I will probably try them again. But, for me, it boils down to the in person meeting. Do we connect? Does he make me laugh? Do I want to make him laugh? How hard is it to not call him right away? And I would rather know these things before I know how many siblings he has and what his favorite color is. Give me a casual introduction at a party by mutual friends over online dating any day.

Valentine's Day

Ah...it's that time of year again. Valentine's Day.

This year I really didn't mind it. I'm single and happy with that (at the moment) which made V-day really just another day. I did make a plan as to how to spend it; it was actually the same plan as last year and I don't mind the idea that I've potentially created a "tradition".

One of my favorite movies of all time is Spartacus, starring Kirk Douglas, Tony Curtis and Jean Simmons (JEAN not GENE). So, my Valentine's evening consisted of dinner, wine and a date with Kirk and Tony. This year I had the pleasure of curling up with Havanna, my friends' dog, to watch the movie, and yet again I fell asleep while watching. This time I slept through the middle but got to see the end. (Last year I slept through the end)

The reason I was watching Havanna is a funny story. A few weeks ago my friend came to me with either an "invitation or a request". She mentioned that she, her husband and another couple were going to Eastern Washington for a wine and chocolate tasting over President's Day weekend and did I want to join them. Well, while she identified it as President's Day weekend, I knew it was also Valentine's weekend. I laughed and said that I was either "invited" to go with them (and be a 5th wheel) or "requested" to dog sit! As much fun as the wine and chocolate would have been; and these friends really aren't difficult to be around as a single; I was content to watch the dog and enjoy my single-hood alone.

How did you spend your Valentine's Day?

Too Many People

I don’t know how you Marrieds, especially you Marrieds with Children, do it each night. I come home from a day of work mentally (and sometimes, physically) exhausted. I cannot fathom coming home and having a whole new “day” start with dinner to be fixed, house to be cleaned up, homework to get done, and maybe some fun or relaxation. How do you stay sane?

I walk in my front door and my cats want attention and I can’t give it to them, not right then. Seriously, I need a few minutes to decompress from my day before I deal with another living creature. Please, tell me how you deal with other PEOPLE! These people love you and depend on you, which I grant must be wonderful, but how do you summon the patience and energy to deal with them?

The more comfortable and content I become in my life as a 30-something Single, the more terrified I become of having to share it with others. Yet, I really want that. Any advice?

Going to a Party Single and Alone

Being single at parties.

Sometimes this is a great thing; the pros of arriving alone:

• You don't have to make awkward introductions explaining the relationship status (or lack thereof) between yourself and your co-attendee
• You can flirt with whomever you like (provided they are not with anyone)
• You can leave with whomever you want (see previous caveat)
• You can leave whenever you want

However, sometimes this is more of a challenge; the cons of arriving alone:

• The odds are high you'll be leaving alone, especially if your friends are married
• You don't have a default companion to join you at the food table
• You don't have someone to talk to when everyone else is dancing
• Even if there are other singles, the odds are still high you'll be going home alone

So gals, what do you do? Bring a "friend" or even a "date" or do you brave it alone and hope for the best?

Digression into Politics on the Eve of the Inauguration

Okay, in this season of politics, I can’t help but venture down what could be a dangerous road…talking about my perspective in a public forum. Yikes!

I am a Single Woman (hmm…not sure about the Woman title, but we’ll go with it for now) living in Washington State in 2008. But does that really define me? Let’s see, what other labels can I attach to myself or my lifestyle? I am almost 30, therefore right in between Gen X and Gen Y (depending on where you draw the line), I work a full-time job, I own my house (well, I have a nice mortgage to go with it!), I grew up in the shadow of Microsoft and have had access to computers in school since Kindergarten, I am heterosexual, live alone (with two cats), don’t smoke, drink socially, my parents are still married (30 years!), I have an older sister from my dad’s first marriage and a younger brother.

Does that define me? From that, would a polster or analyst be able to predict how I would vote and/or which issues are important to me? I have no idea.

What I can tell you is what issues ARE important to me and even a bit about why. This year I find there are three main “subjects” in the political arena that I find important: social issues, fiscal responsibility, and foreign policy. However, when I look at my views in each of these areas I find my perspectives do not fit nicely in one, or even two, political parties.

Let’s take foreign policy first. We are a global society and economy. Nothing has demonstrated that more effectively than the recent credit crisis here in the United States. This is not something that is affecting us alone. Banks are failing around the world; markets are seeing precipitous drops everywhere; our tightening economy is changing the price on international goods (read Oil). While we cannot lock ourselves away and stop interacting with the rest of the globe, we can admit we’ve been wrong and attempted to undo some of the major problems we, as a country, have created elsewhere. We are not and do not need to be the Global Cop. It is not our job, responsibility or even right to require other countries and cultures to adopt our way of thinking, living, or voting. We need to participate in world politics, not steamroll them. We do not always have to be right; we can simply listen and acknowledge that there are other ways of living, and that it is okay to be different. I honestly don’t know which political party this point of view would fall under, Libertarian, maybe. Regardless, while important, and certainly something I feel strongly about, my vote will not be decided by a candidate’s stand on foreign policy.

Now, let’s look at fiscal responsibility. I want to be rich (I know, I know – who doesn’t?), but because I have not only the desire but belief that one day I will climb tax brackets it’s important to me that everything I earn does not get immediately “reinvested” into the government. I use the term reinvested on purpose. I want to invest my money how I see fit. Now, before I have rotten food thrown at me, please know that I also want to give back. There are many organizations and causes I support and I would like to provide fiscal sustainability to them. There are also, many causes I do not support. Many of these are government run and I would rather not have my tax dollars invested in them.

Finally, onto social issues. First, I want to get something off my chest. I hate it when polls ask whether voters made the choice the did because of social issues because it always seems to be that everyone they’ve polled are as conservative as you can get. What about us liberals who vote the way we do because of social issues? Should we call it something else? I voted to support more rights, not less. That’s how it feels sometimes when it comes to the social agenda. I support equal rights for gay couples as heterosexual couples. I support a woman’s right to choose. I support less government involvement in my personal life and personal decisions. I do not want the government to tell me that, even if I’ve been raped, it’s legal for the pharmacist to deny me the right to buy the “morning after” pill.

This year, it is the social agenda of the candidates that will determine the way I vote. Do I agree with everything my candidate says or stands for? No. However, I doubt I will ever agree with any politician on even 50% of the issues; they are trying to please too many people for them to ever be able to believe the same things I do. (Trust me, if I ever decided to run for office, I’m not even sure my mom would vote for me!)

Third Wheel Syndrome

Third-Wheel Syndrome: The situation which occurs at parties when Single Gal attaches herself to the Couple.

Couples, please be kind to Single Gal (or Guy) when you see us at parties. It is hard to attend parties alone, and until the alcohol really starts to hit or we've made new friends, we really like to hang out with people we know. Otherwise we end up standing awkwardly in the corner, trying to look like the corner is EXACTLY were we mean to be standing, but really we feel a little pathetic as we down our 2nd or 3rd drink.

Please know; we understand you are not at the party to rescue us and we WILL do our best to mingle, but your understanding is appreciated. And, if you know others at the party, feel free to introduce us! We don't mind being handed off to another Couple; we know we can be a drag. :) And, if you another Single there, even better! We may not be a match made in heaven, but at least we can commiserate, and drink, together.

At home with Dad

I’m 29, single and hanging out at home on a Friday night with my dad.

Should I feel sad by this? Upset? Maybe. But I don’t. I just laugh. I’ve finally accepted that I’m not “cool”; and never will be. Instead, I’m comfortable. I like being at home on Friday night; I like ordering takeout, putting on sweats (aka pants that don’t squish the fat) and watching a movie. That my dad happened to be there really didn’t change how I wanted to spend the evening.

So maybe the question should be, why is this even something to question? Are we really so focused on being “in a relationship” that being single and NOT spending every waking minute out looking for “the one” to rescue us from singlehood becomes a crime? Sure, I’d like to find someone (notice I didn’t say it had to be “the one”!) but I’m no longer desperate to find him. I don’t want to feel guilty spending time by myself. And I really don’t want my dad to feel like he’s holding me back.

I want to like my life. So, how can I enjoy the present if I’m constantly looking for someone to complete my future?